I know my madness
by shamelessllamapeanutthing
Summary: As far as a happy love life goes, Kai and Ray are sharing an amazing one, but a relationship that hasn't ever been put through the wringer before is often even more complicated to deal with than one that has stood the test of time. Especially, when the devil himself comes knocking at the door, with roses in hand and venom on his lips. Previously titled: Sins and Sinners
1. Chapter 1

_**~the text in bold italics is a flashback~**_

**PROLOGUE**

"Agh fuck!"

"Ack fuck!" A babyish voice gurgled back at Kai and as he caught sight of the newcomer he dropped his sub-par paper on the horrific evolution of psychiatry. It had been the cause of his frustration up until now. The paper was important for his grade and he was officially sucking ass on it.

("Not really," Ray had commented nonchalantly when he had mentioned the same to him. "You're good at sucking ass. This though…" he couldn't finish his sentence because he couldn't stop laughing. Then, he had jokingly proceeded to scratch out Kai's carefully composed title of the essay and replaced it with 'The frankly sucky start of psychiatry and my even suckier study of the same.'.)

"No no no no you don't." The Russian scrambled out of his chair and lifted the now giggling toddler into his arms. "Antonio, listen to papa."

Green eyes gazed up at him and two soft palms collided with both sides of his face. "Papa?" Antonio titled his head closer to Kai's, soft brown curls brushing his father's brow. At three, the kid was a fast learner, and though he couldn't speak a lot of English words himself, curtesy his former foster family being of Indian origin, he understood them clearly and was good at copying any and everything his new parents said, forever adding new words to his vocabulary.

"Do you love your papa, baby?"

"Yes!" Though it sounded more like 'ye-isshhh'.

"Then you are gonna have to forget what papa said when you entered, okay? They were bad words and you can never repeat them. Papa won't ever say them again either."

"Okay, papa." Kai gave a sigh of relief.

"And you can never tell your dada about it. Promise me you will not tell your dada about my little mistake."

"I promise, papa." Kai refrained from cooing over his son's cute baby voice. He was three and very intelligent for his age, not to mention an adorable mess of giggles and cherub cheeks. Everyone who knew the couple knew that this one tiny human had two of the world's most headstrong humans wrapped around the tiniest finger of his baby hands. (It couldn't be helped. The first time Ray had picked up the child and Antonio's pudgy arms wrapped around his neck, Kai had felt his heart burst with something so overwhelming that he couldn't bring himself to say a word when the child extended his hand to him a second later. All he could do was rush and crowd his partner and the kid in a tight embrace.)

Both Kai and Ray would walk to the ends of the world for the kid. Though he had only been with them eight months, Kai was having his lawyers look into removing Antonio from the foster system and officially adopting him as theirs. The process was slow and grated on his nerves, given the fact that they were a gay couple, who were not even married. The authorities were no doubt being difficult about the whole thing but there was no door money couldn't open.

Besides, this was what he had always wanted. A family that he could love and children he could raise right who would in turn love and protect their own, forever lifting the curse of familial hatred from the Hiwataris just like his mom wanted it to be.

Landing a soft kiss in the tawny curls, Kai bounced the baby in his arms as he settled back in his chair. Antonio soon wiggled out of his embrace and placed his soft butt to straddle Kai's knees in a manner largely reminiscent of Ray. (He would pout and glare at Kai from on top of his knees whenever things didn't go his way or bounce excitedly on his thighs when they did, knowing full well that both led to Kai melting and dragging him to their bedroom seconds later where the neko would then proceed to either convince or thank Kai for the latest, whatever it was.)

Sometimes, it became hard to remember Antonio wasn't Ray's biological son, they were so similar. While physically they looked as different as two humans could, when it came to mannerisms, Antonio was as much Ray's child as Ray was his mother's.

Tearing his adoring gaze away from the toddler, Kai picked up the report again. He vaguely registered Antonio busying himself with his shirt buttons before he got bored five minutes later and slid off his legs, ambling back to his abandoned toy car which he had probably brought with him when he first came into the library. Usually, it was the only room in the house the kid wasn't allowed in but seeing as how Ray wasn't home, Kai hadn't stopped him. It was as well that he stayed close by. It was easier to watch over him that way, especially since he hated leaving their son alone with the servants to look after him.

An hour or so passed with Kai immersed in his work and Antonio making barely any sounds. He was a lot like Ray in that sense too, where he instinctively knew when Kai was busy and did not want to be disturbed whereas otherwise, he was all over his papa all the time. Soon enough, they heard a familiar voice call for the two and a second or so later the door was thrown open to reveal Ray. Antonio immediately launched off the floor and grappled Ray around his knees and for a second Kai felt jealous that nobody would raise a brow over such behavior from a kid but even Ray would lose his mind if Kai ever greeted him like that.

Why wasn't he allowed to be excited for when his boyfriend got home from his culinary school?

"Papa taught me new words!" Kai's eyes widened. He gripped the armrests of his chair as Ray sent him an amused glance given how it was usually the Chinese man's job to help Antonio improve his vocabulary.

"That's amazing, Tona! (weird nickname they both hated so much that they couldn't _not _use it. Plus, thinking about how much it would annoy Antonio when he was older gave his fathers serious kicks.) What did he teach you?"

Antonio took a deep breath before opening his mouth and screaming, "Fak!" As the penny dropped, Kai sighed in relief. Bless the child for having a child's memory this one time. He could see how 'fuck' would become 'fak' in his head and for the first time in his life, Kai Hiwatari was thanking the gods for Antonio having been graced with a normal, average, non-exceptional baby's mind.

"Fak?" Ray frowned. "That's not really a word." Then, he turned accusatory golden eyes at his boyfriend who in turn tried for a sweet smile, realizing Ray knew exactly what 'fak' was. "He must have meant fake, baby, and you already know that one don't you?"

The child nodded enthusiastically before hugging Ray's neck. That was a tradition for the two. Antonio got these random urges where he would out of nowhere loop his arms around Ray's neck and the man would turn to goo. Sighing, Ray hugged him back before moving over to Kai. Said Russian controlled the urge to gulp in nervousness and faced the steely golden gaze with bravery.

Ray's lips twitched into a smile begrudgingly before he leaned down and pressed a kiss against Kai's mouth, though he withdrew quickly, giving Kai no chance to respond.

"And for your amazing efforts, Mr. Hiwatari you are awarded Toni duty for three consecutive nights in a row. I do not want to hear complaints, from you or my son."

Kai nodded. It could've been worse. He could've withheld sex like he did the last time Kai slipped up and called Tyson a dickhead on the phone in front of Antonio.

Smiling in satisfaction Ray moved to kiss Kai again, this time on the corner of his lips, and then his left eyelid. "How was your day?" The neko straightened.

Kai simply raised a brow before glancing at the scattered papers on his desk, giving his head a small shake and turning back to his laptop, which currently had about seven different tabs open, all relating to psychology and it's history or evolution. Ray cast a worried glance at his boyfriend, releasing a sigh when he noticed the tension in his shoulders and the clenching of his fists. Shifting Antonio to his other hip, he made up his mind.

Turning around abruptly, he exited the library, leaving a confused Kai behind, who almost called after him but then decided he didn't have the strength for whatever his personal poster child for unpredictability and their trouble spawn had in mind. Instead, he focussed his attention back onto the paper, wondering just why it hadn't come out right over the course of the past week and a half, and why it still stubbornly refused to.

—-

"Well Toni, we've done what we could." Ray crossed his arms across his chest. "Think he'll like it?"

Antonio clapped as he beamed at his dada, he still didn't quite know the right words to express excitement, and given who he lived with, hadn't really picked up the habit of making excited noises either. So he made do with enthusiastic applause and a big grin.

"Oh, you!" Ray blushed at the weird, mushy goo the toddler turned his insides to, simultaneously swooping down to pick him up. "Let's get the big bad Russian bossman up here now, shall we?"

The manor had been specially modified to accommodate Ray's love for terraces and as the father walked down the flight of stairs, nuzzling and making strange noises at his son, (which he would never let Kai hear, god forbid) he wondered how his boyfriend would react to his little surprise. Kai wasn't expecting it, and he had never been too fond of surprises, given, but Ray couldn't help remember how pleased Kai had been all those years ago when he had suggested the same for their sudden and unprecedented first date. It had been an experience for him, and Ray was hoping to recreate that.

With a jaunty whistle, the neko-jin headed to the library. The Russian teen still sat cooped up in his chair, which seemed to be swallowing his uncharacteristically slouching form. Ray bit back a curse and plastering a smile on his face entered the library before depositing Antonio's fat bottom on top of the big tome Kai was studying with tired, squinting eyes.

An irritated glare found him but Ray was unfazed, partly because it was exhausted and half-hearted, mostly because even at its best Kai's angry glares had only ever turned Ray on.

Smiling, he guided Kai's hands off the worktop and into his own. "Have you eaten?"

"Yes. You and Toni?"

"About half an hour ago, we wanted to come to eat supper with you but we figured you didn't wanna be disturbed."

Kai simply nodded, stretching and working out a couple of cricks in his neck.

"You need to take a break, Kai."

Said man groaned. "I took a nap half an hour ago."

"That wasn't a break, that was refueling because you were dying out. Come on, stop this. You've been obsessing over this for so long, maybe the only reason its not coming together is because you, yourself have lost sight of what you want it to look like."

"This paper is important, Ray."

"I know, I am not asking you to abandon it. I am only asking you to take a break, recharge yourself and hopefully start on it again with a fresh mind."

"I can do this, it doesn't need to be delayed. If you just…", Kai made to move away causing Ray to drop his hands and forcibly press his shoulders back into the leather seat. Standard Kai, diligent to a fault and stubborn enough to never stop for a break. It was almost like he believed taking a break meant, whatever his current involvement was, had defeated his tireless habit of _winning._ Looking deep into the garnet eyes, Ray placed one knee between Kai's parted thighs, threatening, promising and too close to crotch for comfort.

"I know you can. I also know for a fact that it isn't due any time soon enough to warrant you killing yourself over it and still botching it anyway. So leave it be and come with me." With his boyfriend's eyes focussed on him now, Ray quickly made his point, without moving at all, except to lightly squeeze the firm shoulders in his grasp.

Though he wondered exactly what he had said to be granted Kai's rapt attention all of a sudden, started going over his words again and smirked. Not taking his eyes off Kai's (which were currently occupied with steady and stoic contemplation of his lips) he leaned closer and took an ear lobe in his mouth. Proud of himself for being one hell of a distraction, he got distracted from his mission and happily began sucking on the appendage till Kai drew in a breath.

"Ray, Antonio."

Jerking away and painfully knocking his hip against the table, Ray turned to find curious moss green eyes focussed on him. Clearing his throat rather abruptly he turned to the smirking Russian once again and said in a considerably more official tone. "I suggest you follow us Kai, or else we are going to be very, very disappointed."

—-

Like the good, dutiful, _horny_ boyfriend he was, Kai followed.

In truth, he wasn't always craving sex or getting distracted by Ray's plump, moist lips but the nap he hadn't lied about had consisted of a very detailed dream Kai didn't want to pay too much mind to when he wasn't sporting pants that were loose or lying discarded on the floor. However, he frowned when he realized Ray wasn't leading him to their room, nor had they stopped to drop Antonio off to wherever. Instead, they were heading to the terrace.

Confused and curious, he followed along, noticing for the first time that Ray (and his bubble butt) was practically bouncing in excitement as they climbed up the staircase. Wondering what on Earth had the idiot so excited now, he apprehensively stepped on to the terrace, only to have his eyes widen in surprise.

He didn't even try to hide his smile.

Ray had stripped off the mattress of god alone knew which of their numerous beds from numerous rooms, and somehow dragged it up here against the metal railing, they had recently replaced their older, shorter one with (because of Antonio), covering it with lavender sheets and setting it up with white and silver pillows to be an exact replica of the little makeshift mattress-bed they had formed that night all those years ago. Huge, white flowerpots had been inverted to form side tables on both sides of the mattress, to resemble the ones they had found in Ray's store and half-killed themselves carrying up to his terrace that day. Bowls of popcorn and an ice-freezer containing coke cans sat to the side on one of the flowerpots along with a neatly folded blanket at the foot of their 'bed', upon which rested Ray's laptop and a pair of earphones.

Kai was still taking all of that in when Antonio toddled up to him and tugged on his pant leg. Looking down, Kai found a single rose, deep red in color being offered to him, and he kissed his son on the forehead before accepting it and turning to Ray, with what he could bet his frighteningly large inheritance on, was an embarrassingly sappy smile. The neko-jin though, simply pointed at the babe again, prompting Kai to get down on a knee and thank him properly.

"I help dada!", Antonio exclaimed.

"I know buddy. There's no way he could've done this on his own. Remember what I told you yesterday?"

"We, the men of the house!" His baby voice slurred self-importantly.

Kai ruffled the chestnut locks before turning to Ray who was wearing a sardonic smile and lazily walked over to the mattress, flopping down on his back against the pillows. "Well, my manly men, I only have space for one of you here so how about you figure out the sleeping arrangements amongst yourselves, yes?"

Kai's jaw dropped at Ray's, frankly unethical, move and he mouthed 'dirty' at him to which he simply blew a lazy kiss. Rolling his eyes, Kai turned to his son only to meet with a fierce green gaze.

Willing himself to not lose to a three-year-old, he put on his best dad voice. "Come on Toni, let me take you downstairs and I can put you to bed."

"No. I help set up bed, I sleep in it!"

Kai couldn't really argue with that logic, so he chose to distract. "If you come with me quietly, I will take you out for ice cream tomorrow morning. How does that sound?"

Antonio stopped to consider the offer before turning to Kai with his own condition.

"Papa, we get pizza tomorrow, pleaseee?"

Kai looked doubtful at that. "I don't think that's a great idea, bud. You shouldn't eat too much junk food. You will eat your yummy veggies and chicken tomorrow, okay? Then we'll go get ice cream, all three of us. Sounds good?"

"Yuck!" Antonio pouted. "I want pizza. Or I stay here!"

"Okay, how about I buy you your favorite bag of marshmallow candies after the ice cream?" Kai tried again.

Antonio paused again and Kai held his breath. The toddler nodded to himself before declaring, "We get pizza, ice cream, and marshmallows!"

"No that won't work but we can-", Kai began, only to be interrupted by Ray's groan.

"Stop, babe. The little monster knows exactly what he's doing. I swear he's more like his papa every day." Before Kai could react, he turned back to the three-year-old and said, "Toni, you're having chicken and vegetables for dinner. If you behave and go down without a fuss, we will take you out for ice cream and if you don't argue anymore, we'll buy you your candy."

Yellow eyes met green ones.

"Dada- " Antonio barely managed to squeak out before Ray pounced. Giggles filled the air, and when both parties finally rose from the tickle attack, Toni had a deep flush covering his face.

"I think he won, buddy," Kai murmured, as he knelt next to Antonio.

Antonio nodded solemnly. "I am going to sleep."

With a kiss to the brow, Kai picked him up and quickly took him downstairs and into his bedroom, where he changed his clothes and tucked him in after peppering his face with pecks and nips. Thankfully, Antonio never took long to fall asleep so he only had to wait for twelve minutes before the kid was lost in dreamland.

Almost running to get back to Ray, he burst onto the roof to find Ray lying on his stomach under the blanket, head to the foot of the mattress close to the now glaring laptop screen. The receding blanket revealed bare shoulders though, and Kai quickly deduced he had stripped to his underwear.

Quickly following suit, Kai got in next to Ray and looping an arm around his waist, pulled him closer, skin to skin. Taking a few minutes to contently nuzzle the tan, spicy smelling skin of his neck, he bit softly on Ray's shoulder before pecking his mouth. Ray grinned at him, adoringly.

"So, what are we watching?"

The grin turned mischievous within seconds before Ray turned towards the laptop, and so did Kai. He groaned.

"Seriously, Ray?"

"It might give you inspiration if nothing else."

"You are scared shitless of horror shows and movies."

"That's alright. Gives me a solid excuse to cuddle with you."

… and so Ray started the first episode of American Horror Story's second season, Asylum.

As the couple on the screen started fucking within the first few minutes, Ray felt a hand cupping his ass. Raising a brow, he glanced at his partner, who was sporting a devilish smirk that sent jolts down his spine.

"I am trying to recreate our first date."

"Uh-huh. Let's skip to the good part."

"Kai!"

"Unless of course, you want us to avoid each other's eyes and act awfully awkward for the first hour or so, instead."

Ray grinned sheepishly, more willing now that Kai's fingers had slipped inside his boxers. Turning on to his back to accept the Russian's advances more fully, Ray cocked his head and purred, loud and clear.

**_Ray continued to nibble along the column of Kai's throat while he reached out with his other hand to slam the lid of the laptop shut. Groaning with arousal, Kai parted his legs and grabbing onto the back of Ray's thigh, roughly tugged him to lay in between his knees. _**

**_Looking up at the change in position, Ray smirked before attacking Kai's lips again, dragging fingers up his chest, under his shirt, brushing over his abs, up his sides and tickling his collarbones. Kai couldn't do much more than kneading Ray's ass, as his entire body quivered in pleasure, the skin underneath Ray's slim fingers coming alive with sparks as he had never felt before. It wasn't so much for the physical contact as for the thrill of doing it with his lifelong crush, that was driving Kai crazy. _**

**_One of Ray's hands came up to unbutton Kai's shirt, ridiculously slow, almost making Kai growl, before he secured his arms around Ray's butt all of a sudden and lifted them both into a sitting position. Before Ray could do much more than latching his arms around Kai's shoulders and yelping, his vest had flown off and his jeans were being undone. _**

**_With his eyes glazed over, Ray watched Kai fiddle with his pants, unable to realize that he couldn't possibly take them off Ray when he was straddling Kai. The neko tried to push Kai off to facilitate the stripping but it only resulted in frustrating Kai further who batted Ray's hands away, rolled over with another growl and slammed Ray down into the mattress beneath himself, roughly pulling the button of his jeans right off, before tugging them away along with his boxers, leaving the Chinese teen naked and wanton._**

**_Licking his lips, Ray stared at Kai's twitching fingers and groaned when instead of finding Ray's body, which was being ravaged by ruby eyes holding an almost physical touch, the digits found Kai's own clothes, as he hastily threw his shirt off, revealing broad shoulders and pert nipples, cream skin and hard abs. _**

**_Unable to control himself, Kai pounced onto his 'boyfriend', kissing his tanned jaw and pinching his dark nipples, feeling them harden as the neediness in his cries grew. Ray moaned and squirmed, incredibly turned on by this dominating behavior of Kai's, added to the fact that rooftop sex had always been his favorite fantasy. _**

**_Kai lowered his body onto Ray's, who yelped when he felt his pants rub against his cock. Throwing his head back, he fisted Kai's hair and dragged his mouth down to his own chest. Getting the hint, and super into Ray directing his actions according to what he found pleasurable, Kai started licking and sucking around his nipples, thoroughly enjoying Ray trying to move his mouth onto them, while guiding Kai's hips against himself to obtain some friction. _**

**_Kai didn't give in till Ray was panting and pleading through his large golden eyes. Chuckling, the Russian decided to have mercy and tugging his own pants off, lowered himself along Ray's body. He was awarded a groan and a spread of legs underneath him. Gazing into his partner's golden eyes, Kai lowered his head and felt Ray shiver in anticipation before he engulfed his leaking cock into his own mouth. _**

**_.._**

**_Some forty five minutes later, the two teens lay next to each other, spent and aching in the best of ways, panting in time with one another while their fingers remained entwined between them, something that somehow felt more intimate than all the sex in the world. _**

**_"_****_I don't kiss on the first date, Kai.", Ray said after he had calmed his breathing somewhat, but remained to gaze at the open sky above them, enjoying the light breeze brushing their sweat-soaked skin, making goosebumps rise along their arms. Any moment now, and the cold would be enough reason for them to wrap themselves around each other again. _**

**_"_****_Little late for that, baby. Besides, I don't even date at all." _**

**_An exhilarated laugh rang in the night around Kai and he turned to the teenager beside him, bathed in the moon rays and looking absolutely radiant. He was happy to find all awkwardness had thawed off and Ray didn't appear self-conscious anymore as he had been before, for which he was glad. _**

**_After all, he HAD nothing to be conscious of. To Kai, he was easily the most gorgeous man to ever have walked the Earth. _**

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**(Please review and tell me your thoughts, everyone. It means a lot to every writer out there.)**


	2. Chapter 2

**This story is going to have a lot of kid!bladers fluff because believe it or not, that's why I started it in the first place. **

_The more Kai stared at Him, the wider His grin grew. He couldn't look away as He leered at him, that familiar, dark figure crouching at Ray's side._

_The night remained still around them, unaware of the chill seeping through Kai's bones. His voice won't sound and the tips of his fingers won't stop shivering, dead cold as his entire body had become. No wind blew, no sounds carried, no sign of life presented itself except for the gentle rise and fall of the Chinese man's chest and the dark fingernails brushing across it. He wanted to lean over and swat His clammy paws off of his boyfriend, but he couldn't move and it felt like the more he tried, the farther he was pushed from Ray. The creature hissed and dipped His head, flashing canines that were inches from breaking into Ray's closed eyelids._

_Kai tried to inch his fingers to touch the neko-jin, who had rolled away in his sleep but they would do no more than tremble. The creature's blood-red eyes clocked in on his struggle and He shook with laughter. A whimper tore out of Kai, as the claws dipped into Ray's skin, causing a rapid spurt of blood to flow out of the puncture wounds. Somehow, Kai knew that He was going to pull Ray's heart out, for he could read the creature's thoughts like his own. There was nothing He would like more than to feast on Ray's heart in front of Kai._

_A voice echoed, the familiar cry of a baby and Kai, the other Kai, the one leaning over Ray, hissing and spitting at him cocked His head. The red-eyes Kai recognized as his own narrowed at the gateway that opened into the stairs leading down from the terrace, the mouth Kai recognized as his own curled, and with a savage hiss the creature retracted His claws out of Ray's chest as He began crawling on His fours to the door. _

**_To Toni._**

_Kai's mouth opened in a savage scream to deter his alter-ego but his voice was muted. The only body part he could move were his fingers, and all they did was tremors in desperation, the desperation to reach his son or to stem the crimson fluid gushing out of his boyfriend's chest or to tackle his darker twin to the ground who was stalking over in a mockingly slow crawl, looking back at him every five seconds and grinning His big, grotesque grin._

**_Please, God. _**

…

"Kai!"

Like a man possessed, Kai ran his fingers down Ray's chest, checking for any wound he could find, his lips trembling and body cold, bare. The creature had disappeared and Ray was leaning over him, worriedly smoothing his errant hair out of his eyes but Kai hadn't been asleep, he hadn't woken up. He had seen what he had seen. He had seen Himself crouch over Ray's head and lick His lips before trying to gouge the neko's heart out. He had seen Him, and it was the truth.

"Babe, it's okay. You were hallucinating again, it's okay. I am fine, Toni's fine. We're fine.", Ray repeated the words into his ears but he couldn't understand. He hadn't hallucinated in years now.

Kai pushed Ray away and scrambled on to his feet, hurriedly searching out his underwear and putting it on.

"Up!", he screeched at Ray, before turning around and sprinting through the doorway and down the stairs, intensely aware of Ray's footsteps following close behind.

_Of course, he had been hallucinating for nobody on Earth scared him more than Himself. _

_… and the things He could do to his family._

Still, the Russian ran, unable to so much as breathe till he had thrown open the door to Toni's room and caught sight of the babe, sound asleep and very much alive.

He could hear Ray's heavy breathing behind him and finally faced with the realization that all of them were safe and alive, he felt his knees give out. As he had known they would, tan arms broke his fall, enveloped, twisted and held him close. Soft lips pressed kisses to his temple and Kai could feel his eyes start to leak.

A second later, he was tearing out of Ray's embrace and marching over to lift Antonio from underneath his Tweety blanket and hug the kid close to his chest, too terrified to have either of them out of his sight now. From the doorway, Ray watched him, too worried to talk, too blind-sided to know how to comfort his boyfriend. So he stood back, and remained still, waiting to do whatever Kai needed him to.

"Bedroom.", Kai whispered and Ray's eyes softened as he put an arm around Kai's trembling shoulders and led them to their room.

Silently, they got in, placing Tony right in between their bodies. Kai kept his eyes averted, though he entwined his fingers with Ray's on top of Antonio's little, pudgy stomach.

"Was I dreaming?"

He knew he wasn't, but like a fool, he hoped.

"No.", Ray's fingers tightened around Kai's. "I woke up to you staring at me in silence. You were moving your jaw but not speaking and your eyes were focussed at nothing and then they started moving towards the staircase. That's when I started shaking you and calling your name, and you snapped out of it."

Kai sighed, and shut his eyes.

"Babe, it's fine. We can visit Max's dad tomorrow. There has to be a reason why it's happening all over again."

Kai let himself revel in the familiar sound of Ray's voice, assuring and assured, however dumb the suggestion might be. He was studying psychiatry for fuck's sake, didn't Ray know he would _know_ if there was something that had triggered them again?

There wasn't. Never had been in the first place.

Everybody assumed it came with the trauma of his years with Voltaire but what trauma when he couldn't remember _anything _that happened back then? He was just born sick, a freak who regularly conjured images of Himself tearing into his lover's chest and eating his heart out.

"Yeah.", he mumbled.

…

"I love you, Kai.", Ray showered him with soft, tender kisses that warmed his heart. He leaned more into the Chinese man's neck, taking deep breaths and feeling himself calm down ever so slowly as Ray's spicy scent overpowered his senses and chased his fears away, for a few blessed seconds.

He could do this.

Out on the porch, decked in his favorite baby blue onesie, Antonio stood grinning at his fathers. Kai always found it adorable how intensely happy he looked whenever any of the three were sharing kisses or hugs. He obviously related the actions with love and comfort and he was equally happy to receive the affections as he was to watch his fathers share them.

A shudder crawled up Kai's spine.

Feeling the slight shiver in his boyfriend's frame, Ray frowned. He didn't really know how to get Kai's mind off of what had happened last night and he was counting on this little outing helping somewhat but since the moment he had mentioned the promise they made Antonio last night, he had only grown tenser almost as if he was unwilling to leave the house at all.

Realizing the same, Ray had offered to take Tony by himself but that only made Kai's expression tighten _even more_ so he shut up and went about trying to silently comfort Kai with lingering caresses and touches. He had let the Russian dress Antonio, something they both enjoyed a lot, (Kai couldn't find anything without upending the full wardrobe, and Tona very much liked to pretend to swim in the pile of clothes) and to nobody's surprise, he had dressed the toddler in various shades of blue from top to toe. It made Ray chuckle, as he was reminded of the ridiculous outfits Kai wore in their teens. Only and only he could have pulled those atrocities off.

Kai broke out of his embrace, face as emotionless as ever and silently offered the car keys to him. Understanding the implication, Ray took them without a word. He hated driving but that was nothing compared to how much he hated putting Kai in a spot where his anxiety could act up.

Sighing, he went to get the car out of the garage while Kai put together Tony's back-pack. All night last night, after Kai had finally fallen asleep, he'd been up wondering if making them sleep out in the open had somehow triggered a reoccurrence of Kai's sleep paralytic condition. He had been suffering from those hallucinations when they first had their date on Ray's not-half-as-grandiose rooftop and even though he hadn't had an episode _that night_ specifically, maybe it was something that could be triggered by the strength of suggestion alone? That was to say, Kai hadn't had any hallucinations after moving into the manor, so maybe doing something reminiscent of the period when he used to frequently have them, caused them to reoccur?

He knew he'd get a whack around the head if he so much as suggested that possibility to Kai.

Having backed up onto the street, he honked twice to signal for his manly men to come out, and soon enough they did. The sight warmed Ray's heart, no matter how many times he saw it.

He watched Kai buckle Toni securely in his seat and hand him his favorite car model, before trotting over to the passenger seat and getting in himself. He gave his boyfriend a small smile, before putting the car in gear.

Five minutes into the drive, Kai turned to give Ray a bored look.

"Babe, we're only going ten miles an hour."

Ray, whose knuckles were white around the steering wheel, ignored the Russian and kept staring straight ahead at the road, shoulders tensed and leg ready to jump on the brakes if need be.

He _really, really_ didn't like driving.

"That old geezer on the sidewalk is going faster than us, Ray."

"I'd rather be safe than sorry with Tona in the car!", Ray snapped, eyes still focussed as if he was expecting the very same old geezer to suddenly acquire a death wish and come jump in front of the car.

… then again, this was the man who'd once gotten stuck in the middle of a funeral procession so Kai wasn't really surprised.

Smiling softly and shaking his head, Kai turned his gaze out of the window.

He needed to get a grip. He had been worrying Ray and he really didn't like that. Now, that he had slept on it, he was able to look at things more rationally. Sure, he was scared. It was scary watching this spitting image of yourself crouch over your boyfriend's sleeping body and try to pull his heart out, but a hallucination was all it was. Admittedly, it was one of the worst he had ever had but in the light of the day, with the dust of passing hours settling on its memory, it seemed a lot easier to fight off.

He had won over his sleep paralysis demon, that so conveniently happened to be himself, once before. He could very easily do it again. Teenage Kai had dealt with it by using sleeping pills and a shit load of alcohol four nights out of three every week and steadily reducing his sleeping hours, which only worsened the situation, but teenage Kai had no responsibilities. All he was looking for was a quick escape. Now? Now he had a boyfriend and a son, and he was going to drag his ass to a doctor (because there was a reason he was still studying psychiatry and not practicing it) and get over this once and for all, get proper medications, regulate his sleep patterns and not freak out over anything as much as possible.

He wasn't going to let anything break apart his family, much less his mental instabilities.

…

"What flavor you gonna get, Tones?" Kai rolled his eyes at the newest nickname Ray had come up with. If they kept at it, Antonio was going to forget what his name really was.

The little kid who walked between Kai and Ray, hand in hand with both and swinging and grinning in delight looked up at his dada with confusion etched in his features. Both the adults groaned. So it was gonna be that sort of a day.

Some days Antonio was dead set on what he wanted and won't settle on anything else, others he would never be able to decide what he wanted to have. Out of the two evils, the preferred the former and lesser one. Clearly, the gods weren't too happy with them today.

"How about chocolate, Toni?" Kai suggested, hopefully. Every kid liked chocolate, so this was surefire right? "Chocolate is yummy, isn't it?"

Toni scrunched up his face in thought and looked no closer to having reached a decision than before.

"Come on! You can ask your dada, he loves chocolate!"

Antonio turned his big green eyes on Ray but it was clear from his face that no matter what Ray said, he was not going to get chocolate. The neko-jin sighed, before putting on a fake animated voice. They were outside the ice-cream shop now and needed to act fast.

"Yes, dada loves chocolate! It tastes amazing with every syrup, and when I get it with vanilla sprinkles, it's my favorite thing in the world!"

A smirk made its way on to Kai's lips. Now, this was not why he had mentioned Ray's obsession with chocolate, but whenever the neko-jin mentioned it that night at Tyson's dojo was all Kai could think about.

Leaning over, he whispered, "Oh, admit it, chocolate off my dick is how you like it best." Laying a teasing kiss on his earlobe, he backed up to watch Ray's face go through the entire shade range of the color red before his eyes narrowed.

"You know your papa once ate a rotting apple out of Uncle Tyson's trash?"

That got Antonio's attention and the attention of a few strangers around them.

"It was a dare!" Mortified, and with a face as red as Ray's had been moments ago, Kai screamed an explanation but it was directed more at the random people who were now giving him weird looks, than their toddler.

"You yucky, papa!"

Ray smirked victoriously. "That's right, baby. He is yucky."

Holding the door open for Toni who immediately bolted inside and started gazing at the different flavors displayed, Ray stepped in behind him followed by a scowling Kai who pulled him back a bit by his elbow.

"Are you really going to go there when I have firsthand knowledge of where your mouth was last night?"

"Try explaining that to Toni, why don't you?", he challenged.

Knowing he was stumped there, Kai refused to acknowledge the retort, already making his way towards Antonio.

The kid ended up getting pistachio.

…

The drive back home was relatively merrier because Ray was singing along to _Livin la Vid Loca _that was currently playing on the radio, and Toni from his prized perch on Ray's lap was clapping along and babbling in support, his little giggled soothing his fathers' hearts. Kai had taken to driving because he didn't want them to take an hour on their trip back home.

Reaching over, Kai laid a hand on Ray's thigh and squeezed softly.

"Today was nice." He said, eyes glancing and reveling in Ray's smitten smile for a mere moment.

It was. They got ice-cream and fucked around the park. Antonio played with this little girl he couldn't stop holding hands with. Her mother did try to hit on Kai for a bit, but Ray just laughed at her pathetic attempts. Which was good, because had she hit on Ray, she would have been slaughtered and her guts smeared all over her daughter's face.

Or not. Of course, not.

Then, they had gone to get Toni his marshmallows and since it was getting close to eight decided to grab a quick bite outside. They had had donuts for dessert and Toni had miraculously been a total angel about the food, so it was safe to say Kai was in a better mood than he had been for weeks now.

Even the thought of having to get back to his impossible class assignment couldn't bring his spirits down.

"I will call Mr. Tate and book an appointment as soon as possible, Ray.", he added.

"Just tell me when it is and I'll come along. We can ask Mariah to babysit."

Kai nodded, though he was secretly relieved. The idea of not being alone, already easing out the knot that was sure to form on the day of the appointment.

"… I love you, too."

…

**_Kai had been sitting on this bench, kicking his legs idly in the air for well over forty minutes now as he watched the group of kids playing amongst themselves on the playground. They all seemed to be his own age, and they were having fun. He'd very much like to join them, but none of them seemed to take any notice of him._**

**_He wondered if he should just go back home._**

**_Bryan had offered to come along and help introduce him to everyone else but Kai didn't want to seem like a wimp who couldn't make any friends so he had told Bryan he didn't need his help, picked up his shiniest toy car to attract as many friends as possible, and marched over to the playground. _**

**_Nobody seemed to want him, or his car. _**

**_… he really, really wanted to join them._ **

**_At seven, Kai was already too reserved for the flippant friendliness of early childhood. He couldn't go up and introduce himself no matter how much he wanted to, and he didn't want to be heckled and chased off if he wasn't liked, which he was afraid he won't be. Much of said insecurity came from only having known and properly interacted with two people his entire life, Bryan and his mum. The outside world overwhelmed him, and strangers made his pulse race. _**

**_Even if those strangers were people he wanted to be friends with, so they would smile at him the way they smiled at each other. He didn't want to be alone, anymore. _**

**_His eyes teared up, and his lip trembled as he gazed down at his shoes. The laces were coming undone and he didn't know how to tie them and if anything, that made him want to cry more. _**

**_"Hello!" Kai's head snapped up to take in two of the kids from the group standing in front of him. The blonde kid, who had spoken in the first place, extended a hand towards him._ **

**_"I am Max. Your family moved in the blue house, right? What's your name?" _**

**_Kai felt a small smile threaten to crack on his face. He eagerly shook the offered hand. _**

**_"Kai.", he whispered, his voice softening by itself till he kicked himself for sounding like a wimp. Nobody made friends with wimpy boys._**

**_"Dude! I saw your yard! It's huge! I really want to play there!" The other kid, with deep blue hair and friendly brown eyes, grinned up at him. Kai noticed there was snot dripping down his nose, so he didn't shake his hand when he offered._**

**_However, he brightened at the idea of someone wanting to come over and play at his house. _**

**_"We can go right now! My mom is going to get me a swing set, too!" _**

**_The blue-haired boy cheered in excitement only to receive an admonishing glance from Max. Kai watched in amazement as the grin on his dirty face morphed into a spectacular imitation of a kicked puppy under the gaze of the blondie. _**

**_"Tyson, did you forget? We have to go see Ray! We promised!"_**

**_Kai watched on in confusion as realization dawned on this Tyson and he sheepishly stuck his tongue out. _**

**_"Oh, sorry sorry." Tyson grinned. "Can I come, play in your yard some other day, Kai?"_**

**_Just then, the only girl from the group walked up to them. Kai had been fascinated by her bubblegum pink hair and he wanted to ask her if she ever got picked on for having strange hair like he was and how she dealt with it, but couldn't. _**

**_"You two! Aren't you coming?", she frowned and questioned Kai's new friends both of who turned around with pacifying smiles and raised hands. _**

**_"We were just talking to the new dude!", Tyson explained. Kai found it funny how he kept saying dude but he couldn't laugh because he was also kind of sad his only two friends were going away already. _**

**_The pink-haired girl turned to look at Kai, and he noticed her deep ochre eyes. She must definitely be getting picked on._**

**_"What's your name?", she asked. _**

**_"He's Kai!" Tyson started babbling before Kai could respond. "He lives in the blue house that has the huge yard, Mariah!" _**

**_Mariah nodded._**

**_"So, are you coming too?" _**

**_Kai frowned. _**

**_"Where?"_**

**_Mariah giggled like that was the dumbest question she had ever been asked. _**

**_"To see Ray. He's sick and he can't come here so we are going to play in his house today." _**

**_"I don't know him.", Kai said. He would love to go and play with them but what if this Ray didn't want him around?_**

**_"But you know us.", she said. "And we are his best friends." _**

**_"You should really come! His mom is making muffins for us today!", Tyson added. _**

**_What convinced him though was Max's hand, outstretched in his direction once again, as the blonde boy smiled._**

**_"He won't be angry."_**

**_…_**

**_Ray's mom was very nice and made amazing muffins, and his older brother Lee had complimented Kai on his cool hair color. It was the first time his hair was called cool and not weird. Kai blushed a little and the older boy just ruffled his hair before turning back to his video game. _**

**_Everybody was being so nice. _**

**_He had been introduced to the remaining two by Mariah. There was a small, brown-haired boy called Kenny who had loopy bangs that were overgrown and constantly in his eyes, and a tall, blonde kid called Spencer who had nodded at Kai. Nobody seemed to need the car as an excuse to speak to Kai and he realized that maybe they were just as shy as he was. _**

**_The group crowded outside a white door with a paper stuck on it. The paper had a very badly drawn skull with a pirate bandana and eye patch. Underneath it was written 'Ray Kon' in some of the cleanest cursive letters Kai had ever seen. _**

**_Mariah turned the doorknob and opened the door to a well-lit room with bright blue wallpaper. On a bed, to the side, somebody laid on their stomach, a book in hands and long, silky black hair running down their back. _**

**_Kai squinted. They called Ray Kon 'he', didn't they?_**

**_Putting the book aside, alerted by the sound of the door, the figure sat up and turned to face them with the prettiest smile ever. _**

**_"Hi!", the figure called to them. He was definitely a guy. He tilted his head a little and his bangs fell across his forehead, gracefully. His eyes were a very shiny golden, and his teeth were really white. Kai was sure he brushed twice a day like his own mom kept telling Bryan to. _**

**_"Ray-Ray!" Mariah bounced up to Ray and climbed on his bed to sit beside him. "Look who we met!" Kai found her pointing at himself and his palms immediately grew clammy._**

**_"His name is Kai, it sounds nice, doesn't it and he moved in with his family.", Mariah chirped excitedly without pause and when Kai glanced at Ray, he found the black-haired boy smiling at him with the same sweet expression in his eyes as he had given the other ones._**

**_"Hi Kai. I am Ray, nice to meet you!" The golden eyes were looking right at him, and for no reason Kai found his cheeks growing hot. _**

**_"Hi Ray, I am very glad to meet you, too!" _**

**_Finally, Kai smiled._**

**_…_**

**I am finally trying to get back into this one and I hope you guys' like this chapter. :)**


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